Victorious Musings of a Second-Rate Thief
by Sonochu
Summary: Death Spots had been defeated almost singlehandedly by Haruhiro and guilds across the city of Alterna were congratulating him. Even his party was out celebrating. So why did he feel so lost and confused?


As Haruhiro took another sip of his mead, a drink he'd been nursing for some time up to that point, he came to the depressing conclusion that his bout of rest after slaying Death Spots had left him alone with his thoughts for too long. One poisonous thought in particular had begun to consume his mind: he was a terrible leader.

To some extent his friends were able to cover for his flaws, so his shortcomings as a leader weren't so obvious, but were his friends supposed to? Did Renji's teammates have to cover for his flaws? Based on the man's duel with Ish Dogran, the orc whose death allowed Renji to become a man in the eyes of their fellow volunteer soldiers, no, he seemed to be an unstoppable force by himself.

Haruhiro downed the rest of his mug before looking around the bar with a tired eye. The place wasn't Sherry's Tavern, where he and his friends usually went when they wanted to relax. This tavern was different. Sparsely lit, he hung out in one of the darker corners of the room while most of the groups congealed towards the lanterns nearer to the centermost area.

He started to lick his lips as the taste of his mead grew in his mouth. Throughout the night, he'd been drinking a lesser quality mead than the kind he'd normally get at Sherry's Tavern. Probably because this place didn't put raspberry syrup in theirs. Ever since Merry mentioned it back before they ever even entered the Cyrene Mines, he started to appreciate the nuanced flavor it brought more, going as far as to switch from drinking beer, his normal choice of alcohol which he found to be too bitter the past few days. Of course, drinks weren't his reason for changing venues. He just needed a break from his friends, really.

All the talk of him killing Death Spots was maddening. If Ranta wasn't boasting about the feat to anyone who'd give him an ear, he'd find Kikkawa wooing some girl with the tale, and Kikkawa wasn't even there to see Death Spots! Other parties and guilds, famous ones, had begun to personally praise him for his achievement too. Many offered him free drinks to celebrate slaying the beast that killed a friend of theirs. Haruhiro wouldn't be surprised if some of the renowned groups even let him join one of their parties if he only asked. He was given all this fame and respect from people so much better than him, and yet the praise came from something he didn't do.

Why would anyone expect such a mediocre person like Haruhiro to be able to kill Death Spots by himself anyway?

A large party wearing the crest of the guild Orion made a loud entrance into the tavern before sitting down at a better lit table near Haruhiro. Just at a glance, he thought he recognized some of the members of the party. If he remembered correctly, their leader was a hunter named Makoto and quite close to Hayashi. Normally he wouldn't have cared, but Merry still had connections to that guild, Hayashi specifically. If any of the people in that party recognized him, the chances of Merry, and therefore the rest of his friends, finding out about his late-night activities would increase exponentially. Answering awkward questions about his personal matters was not something he wanted to do.

Placing some copper pieces alongside his empty mug on the table, he signaled to one of the barmaids of his departure, dug his face into his scarf to hide himself, and got up to leave.

A piece of the conversation from the group belonging to Orion reached his ears as he passed them by on the way to the exit.

"Yeah, the Cyrene Mines are a lot safer now. Who would've thought such a green party of goblin killers could defeat a beast that had over a dozen volunteer soldier deaths to its name, even if it was only a Kobold?"

"Between them and Renji's party. This batch of fodder seems to be more competent than usual. Makes ya' think."

Funny, even with divine intervention on his side he still being compared to Renji. Would he ever escape that man's shadow? Merry told him that rushing things would only get him killed, but constantly being belittled for not being someone like Renji was going to make him go insane.

Both Ranta and Moguzo were already asleep by the time he arrived back to the volunteer soldier barracks, the redhead snoring so obnoxiously that Haruhiro swore it was intentional. Fortunately, he was still able to go to sleep quickly after getting into his stiff bunk.

The next morning was too gray and muggy for Haruhiro's liking. How was he supposed to be optimistic when even the weather looked so gloomy? With a groan, he got out of bed and looked around, not surprised to see that his friends had already left earlier in the morning. He was usually the last person up in the mornings, meaning he got a lot of comments about his sleepy looking eyes.

The group had taken the week off to make sure Haruhiro had fully recovered from his wounds and to get the proper modifications made to Moguzo's new sword, which the group collectively dubbed The Chopper thanks to Ranta's suggestion. If it was just his own recuperation to worry about, Haruhiro would've told his friends he was fine and soldiered on regardless, but there was nothing they could do about Moguzo's lack of a sword. Without a properly equipped warrior, it would be suicide to try for another expedition into the Cyrene Mines or Old Domuro.

Instead of adventuring, the group usually would split off during the day to do various activities, converging on Sherry's Tavern at the end of the day to relax and joke around. For his part, Haruhiro spent his time in the library reading books about the thief class. Not the most interesting time spent admittedly, but he didn't have many hobbies inside the city, and several aspects of the thief class didn't quite add up to him. The books had yet to provide anything useful though, so he was beginning to give up on that endeavor. Otherwise, he liked to help Moguzo prepare food. The large man had the tact to keep the conversations involving Death Spots to a minimum, and he always felt guilty when the large man cooked so much food for everyone else to eat.

Yawning, Haruhiro got dressed and left the room, only to run into a waiting Merry in the hallway. She was sitting down against the stone wall opposite his room silently reading a book. The hallways of the volunteer soldiers' barracks were rarely barren, even then there was a duo of guys gearing up and joking around at the other end of the hall, so Haruhiro had to assume that her choice of location when reading her book got her some odd looks. Because of this, he felt more than a little guilty for making her wait for so long.

"Uh, hi, Merry." He finally said after a long moment standing outside his room looking dumbfounded. "That a good book?"

Merry flicked her head up in surprise before resting her eyes on the cover of the book. "Yeah, It's just a book on some of the history of the Arabakia Kingdom and the founding of Alterna. I wanted to learn more about the lore of this region." There was an uncomfortable pause as Merry set down her book and stood up to face him.

Considering how nice she looked, her hair clearly washed, and a clean jacket put on, he was almost ashamed by his muddy looking brown hair and worn, thrown together clothes. "So, did you need something from me?" he asked, rubbing the back of his neck with a nervous smile.

Her blue eyes analyzed him for a second, and he was afraid that she was displeased with something. "Hayashi told me that some of his friends in Orion spotted you at the Mage's Temptation last night, but Moguzo said you were already asleep by the time he and Ranta headed off to Sherry's Tavern."

Faking being asleep was probably not the best thing he could've done to get out of going out with his friends, but his decision was spur of the moment, so he didn't have much time to come up with a better idea. Honestly, he was surprised Ranta bought it considering the fact that the red-head was usually so nosey. It's not like Haruhiro was a good actor or anything

"Ha," his laugh sounded forced to his own ears; there was little doubt Merry too picked up on this. His hand scratched the back of his neck. "Well, you know, I woke up after Ranta and Moguzo had already left and couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to do some exploring in the city instead since we have nothing planned.

Merry's mood soured with his answer. She didn't even try to hide her frown or accusatory glare, and her hand was all but strangling her book. "Are you lying to me, Haru?"

Now Haruhiro never considered himself to be a liar. He may have only remembered a few months out of his whole life, but he at least believed that much. This was only compounded by the fact that he was horrible at talking to pretty girls, much less lying to them. With this knowledge at hand, he chose to remain silent instead of digging his own grave.

Merry continued on regardless of his response. "You have also been spending a lot of your time by yourself lately too. I guess the same could be said for all of us, but while we're all celebrating our victory, you only seem depressed."

Haruhiro looked down towards the floor and played with his hands. "I've just needed to rest after Death Spots, that's all." It was a half-truth, the best he could do without lying outright. Merry's glare didn't lighten though, so in desperation he added, "You're looking too deeply into this!"

"And you're ignoring us," she replied. "You're purposely abandoning us, your friends, to deal with your problems by yourself."

His mouth felt dry. This was specifically the conversation he didn't want to have, and Merry was one of the top people he didn't want to have it with. She was just so experienced and confident that he didn't want to disappoint her with how mediocre he truly was.

While Haruhiro and the rest of the party still avoided the spot where Manato died in Old Domuro like it was cursed, Merry faced her fears and was the one to suggest going to the Cyrene Mines, fully knowing they'd run into her dead friends and potentially Death Spots too. That…. just wasn't something he could ever do.

Without an answer from Haruhiro, Merry's eyes began to soften. "Remember when you gave me the speech about how you were my friend since we were in the same party? Well, friends are supposed to help each other through these kinds of things. I was able to get passed my fears thanks to your support, let me repay the favor."

He didn't think he would ever understand how Merry could go from being so cold to so empathetic as quickly as she did. Honestly, there were quite a few things about her he didn't think he'd ever understand.

With a pained sigh, any semblance of a façade he had crumbled, and he immediately felt decades older. "Do you know how I defeated Death Spots?" He asked. "I mean you saw him, everyone did. He was by far the largest creature our party had ever come up against and could've easily beaten all of us. So how did one lone thief with a dagger manage to defeat him in single combat?"

"Haru," Merry started, reaching for his shoulder and bringing him out of the dark thoughts that were clouding his mind. "Are you upset that you beat him?"

His eyes widened. "No," he cried. "That's not it at all. I'm happy that the mines are safer now and we made a lot of money off the loot we sold. It's just," he stopped. If he said any more, there was no doubt Merry would lose faith in him as the party leader. He had to be confident, infallible like Renji. "I-" he tried again, only for his voice to give in when he realized she was hanging on his very word. "Sometimes thieves can see this bright light, a line, that guides them to a target that is guaranteed to kill. It's not frequent, and it appears differently for each thief. Some might never even see it."

His thoughts threatened to go to another awful place, but, like a lantern, the hand on his shoulder kept the darkness away. "and this glowing line guided you when you killed Death Spots?"

"Yes, it showed me exactly where to strike, and….and I hate it!" the pent up frustration was seemingly released with that exclamation. "Why would it appear to me, why then? Was it just some huge coincidence that I was able to see it then but thieves like Ogu couldn't and died because of it? I mean what are the odds? One in a thousand? A million?" a gasp escaped Merry's mouth with the mention of her old thief and Haruhiro knew bringing up Ogu's death was a mistake. It was still raw for her, even if she was slowly healing.

"You're guilty of surviving," she finally responded after collecting herself. "You feel that you don't deserve to live, right?"

"No," he began, only to falter. "Yes... I don't know! I'm afraid, Merry, afraid of what will happen in the future. This line I see, there's no way of predicting when it will appear. I asked Barbara-sensei about it when I went to learn the spider technique, and even she had very little knowledge of it. The books I've read are no better, only recounting how even some of the best thieves in Arabakia's history rarely saw the line. So, if it's all down to chance. If it can appear or disappear based on pure luck, when will mine run out?" Somewhere along his rant, tears started falling down his face. It was a pitiful sight he was sure. A sixteen-year-old crying because, what, he lucked out? Like that was anything to cry about. He made a terrible person to look up to.

Merry's other arm wrapped around his hunched over form in a tight hug, and a part of his mind was brought back to a similar embrace he had with Yume in what felt like years ago but was only a few weeks. Merry felt nice, he had to admit.

"You have grown a lot since we first met, Haru, and you're turning out to be an excellent thief. You may not be able to see it, but I can assure you we all do. Who else can claim that they performed a successful spider technique on such a massive kobold, mystical line or not? Who would be able to stay calm even when their plan went to the Dead-King's realm and successfully lead and effort to save Ranta's life, something he is very appreciative of, whether he admits it or not? Sure, you have some growing to do, we all do, but just because you aren't perfect now doesn't mean you can't grow in the future. Besides, we're a party, and party members are supposed to cover for each other's faults. That's why we're split between classes to begin with."

Haruhiro's heart grew lighter with her praise. He didn't agree with much of it admittedly, but it was still nice hearing such high words from her. While he was no Renji, the man didn't have someone like Merry to help him lead. So, what if he couldn't singlehandedly take down an orc like Renji could without luck on his side? He had faith in his party to work effectively together, and he didn't want to let them down. Renji couldn't say that though. He was a one-man army, sure, but that way of thinking led to him charging into battle many times without his party to back him up. In fact his fight with Ish Dogran was a testament to that. So maybe Renji wasn't so great after all. Maybe there was a way to show that the glowing line saved him for a reason, that it wasn't just a fluke.

Besides, if his weeks continued with him getting hugged by cute girls, somehow, he figured that he would be all right. As he closed his eyes, letting his anxious thoughts wash away for a second, he realized he still had questions left. Specifically the one question that started his research into the thief class hung around in his thoughts. The mage, dread night, hunter, and other classes all had a god to devote themselves too. As far as he knew, the thief had no such divine being. In fact, rarely did he run into a thief that even cared for theology. So where did the glowing line even come from?

That was for another time though. When things settled down and he didn't have to worry about scraping by off the loot obtained from his party's treks into Domuro, the Cyrene Mines, or wherever. Then he'd investigate it further. Until then, he had an obligation to his party and those that died before him to keep on going.

"So," he said after some time, trying to keep his voice level under the torrent of his emotion. "Would you be willing to tell me about Ogu? What kind of person was he like?"

She was hesitant at first, pulling away from him, but there was a soft smile as she did so. "I don't know a lot about thieves," she began. I'll try my best though."

* * *

 **Thank you all so much for reading my debut story after my long hiatus. I have some more ideas for stories in this fandom that I'd love to try, so if you have any feedback to give, please leave a review!**


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